The event really began the day before when all of Frumpy's male friends met at his parents' house for what was thought to be a night of hanging out and playing video games. Well, Albert (the best man) thought differently! He secretly rallied the troups and had Frumpy ambushed, hogtied and dragged kicking and screaming from his mommy! Just so that you know, Mrs. L. was a very good sport about the whole thing.
The first thing we did to this poor slob was to tie him to a tree. He did not know this but I secretly placed some logs behind him and was tempted to light them in revenge for all the times he has attempted to use MOI as the main ingredient in one of his recipes! But alas, common sense prevailed, and we strung him up in a tu-tu, tights, pointe shoes, a tiara, and pigtails and placed a sign around his neck that read, "HELP! My groomsmen are trying to sabbotage my wedding!" Just then, a gaggle of cross-dressing ballerinas (Am Punkte) appeared out of nowhere and flitted desperately about the tree waving wands in the air. They untied Frumpy-finns and carried him off, still trussed up as tight as a FedEx package, to the other end of the park, with us in tow. There, they untied him and with the aid of a cattleprod, forced him to dance on one leg, with the other one in a full split, and spinning round and round!
Albert decided that that was enough, so he rescued him and placed a metal slug on his ankle to keep him from running away. Then, we took him to a fast go-kart track and proceeded to race thrice, until appetites won over and we needed food.
The day of the wedding! I was up with a start! Lots to do!!! And less time to do it all in!!!! My first task was to wake up old Frumpy-finns. He had turned into Grumpy-pants at this point! Once breakfasted, I dragged him off to get groomed. Once there, I told them to give him the works!!! This of course meant bringing out the restraints, a gag, hot wax, a spiked ball, cement, hot asphalt, a sander, a buffer and drain-o! I left him in the capable hands of Gerhilde, the viking cosmetologist/hairdo lady. Armed with an ample bosom and a spear and a brass bra, she managed to get him to sit still for the grooming while I ran out to wash the car and do some other errands. When I returned, he was almost unrecognizable! I actually saw two eyebrows instead of one, and his hair was actually co-operating (probably from the shock of Gerhilde threatening to show him her talking mole on her back!). We scurried home to get dressed! I have never seen Frumpy-finns (now GROOM) so flustered! We got home and he immediately started moulting! He would head into three different directions at once before declaring that he wanted to be left alone. He would gasp, sigh, whimper, and wilt all in the space of thirty seconds! Once I made sure he was dressed and I was able to gather up all his shedded feathers and put them back in, he was ready to go, so I folded him into the car and took him for pictures before the ceremony.
Taking the pictures was uneventful, except for when the groom kept referring to us as his penguins, to which, when beckoned, we would respond by walking like penguins to get the point across that we were not impressed.
Once at the church, everything went WITH the great big hitch! The hitch of seeing two desperately adora-bubble people get trussed up together like a big Sunday dinner and placed into a large roasting pan filled with veggies and dip! And speaking of trussing, the reception went very well! MOI was the MC and did my very best to keep people laughing and begged for the food to keep coming so that people would not be tempted to look at me too hard and longingly as the main course. Once it was all over, I felt as if I had given birth to a hippo, butt first, and upside-down! I needed a rest! So now, I will take one!
Congrats to my two friends for this wonderful milestone! May God continue to feed you, bless you, fluff you up, and may you have the wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job and the children of Israel! And have fun trying!!!!!!!!
MOI
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