How to tell if somene wants to eat you:

I know that there are those who would rather see me steaming on a plate, and here are some reasons I think so. I know that there are those who are trying to eat me when:

1. They are constantly inviting me to dinner and are always trying to overfeed me

2. People keep baking cookies and cakes at me! And this includes bakeries

3. I try to take a bath and find veggies and potatoes in the bathtub

4. I go to Canadian Tire and there are signs leading me to the outdoor barbeque grill section

5. Butchers get ridiculously excited whenever I walk into the grocery store

6. Someone (who will remain NAMELESS!) keeps sending me pictures of hamhocks!

7. People spontaneously drool when they are around me

8. Pigs do jigs and hop around happily whenever I show up on a farm

9. Children, who do not know any better, attach themselves to my hamhock-like thighs and sink their teeth in for no apparent reason

20. Someone switches my peppermint shower gel for A1 Steak Sauce

21. Someone I know recently told me they saw a whale-sized cauldron and thought of me

22. I am being compared to cinnamon and baked goods

23. People keep giving me triple chocolate chunk brownies, chocolate truffles, and Tim Horton's gift cards as gifts

24. Certain people cannot resist the urge to test my tenderness by pinching me

25. I am at a pot luck, there is no food, the pots are empty, and everyone is looking at me longingly and licking their chops

26. Someone's teeth were placed under arrest (YVAAAT!) for trying to take a nibble out of me!

27. I attend a Mennonite church and recipes for farmer sausage get passed around in the offering plates instead of money, and when the minister preaches about self sacrifice

28. I wake up to find some foul fiend sharpening knives right by my bed

29. My friends show up with precarious amounts of trussing cord, and shrinkwrap

AND FINALLY!

30. When someone tells me directly that there want to pop me in their oven, cook, and EAT me!!!

See? I told you I was not paranoid. You would be worried too if you saw these trend of events happen to you too.

MOI