Teachers! They serve a great purpose of molding our young minds, stretching our imaginations and guiding us on our road to knowledge...and in my case, I will go one step further...to scare the living CRAP out of me! Most normal people remember their teachers from high school, and maybe they might remember those from elementary school. You all know that MOI am not normal; I remember EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!
Kindergarten. Mrs. Gayle. Sweet lady I am sure, when she was sleeping! I remember the first day of school not going over so well with me. There I was, in my school uniform, trottling off to school with my mother, and then, to be handed off to a lady whose face I will never forget. She reminded me of a Mennonite oma, but bronzed. She had the joy of the Lord in her. This means for those of you non-church folk that she had the look of constipation on her face ALL the time! NOTHING I ever did was good enough for this lady. If I coloured anywhere outside the lines, which I tended to do, I would be slapped, or somehow my work would not make it on the board. I endured her, and this was going to be the pattern of my existence in preparatory school!
Intermediate. Mrs. Daley. Now she was the NICEST teacher I ever had! She sort of reminded me of Mary Poppins but without the talking umbrella! She was always well dressed and well spoken. She was a proper Bermudan-British lady to whom I attribute my ability to speak the Queen's English (outside of my parents' teaching as well). We had a piano in our class room and on Fridays, she would go to the piano and teach us songs. She made learning fun! Then (*insert loud minor key music here*), she went on leave, and was replaced by her total antithesis! Mrs. McGunn! She did NOT play the piano and her way of controlling us and getting our attention was by intimidation and threatening...and it worked! She had us all cowering in fear and squealing for our mommies after the first day! I was convinced that she had it in for me and for a few others in the class. She always picked on me and accused me of being lazy. One day, I was just not understanding what she wanted me to do, and because I was not doing it, she would hit me with a ruler she was armed with. To make the time pass, I would ask to go to the bathroom or for a drink of water by the cooler and take my time to make the time pass by quicker. I thought my troubles were done after that class.
Grade One. No such luck! Mrs. Thames (as in the River Thames). She seemed nice enough at first, but then it became apparent that all the teachers in the school seemed to be conspiring against me and were all out to get me! NOTHING I did was good enough for this lady. I remember once getting my homework all correct, but because it was untidy, she said it was too messy to give a star for the full marks I had gotten. I was too slow in class, never finished my work on time, always forced to miss recess because work was not done in time, my hand writing was always too messy and too big, and she even threatened to send me off to the special class. In short, I was stupid. I even remember one day, she scared me so badly that I wet myself in my seat. I could have sworn I saw fangs in her mouth! I don't know how, but I made it to...
Grade Two! Miss Little. On the first day, I caught my former grade one teacher whispering to her that I was a lazy student. I was just glad I was done with her! I gave her the evil look as she turned on her heels and left. Miss Little was a nice teacher, even though she had a bit of a temper. She was the most creative teacher I ever had. I remember when we would work on our projects for Open Day (which was a day in schools across Jamaica where each class picked a theme and did a project and the school would be open all day to parents to come in and view the projects and a winner would be picked from all the works presented). Usually, she would let us go home without homework on Fridays, but not always. Anyway, our project was based on people in our community and we made people like firemen and women, nurses, teachers, etc, out of papier machee. Needless to say, we won!!!
Grade Three. Mrs. Blacktree. I found that I was able to read this lady's facial expressions and know what kind of a day she was having. Whenever she had pursed lips, she was having a bad day and you were to be on your P's and Q's. Whenever she smiled, you were really in trouble!!! She introduced us to some new concepts. Pop quizzes, public readings and my least favourite, spankings for failing tests! Anytime there was a math test, I made up my mind to submit to being spanked. I would even line myself up for it just to save time. Her weapon of choice? A white PLASTIC ruler. Now as far as rulers go, you want to be spanked by something hard, like a wooden ruler. When it bends like a plastic ruler, it stings. None of my teachers ever picked up that I was not lazy, or dull. I was just not good at math and no one ever took the time to get through to me, or help me find a way to understand it all. I would score very well in all my other subjects, but not math. Grade Three was also the first time I fell in love. Ahhhh! Tracy! She was a girl from British descent with long blond hair always neatly plaited into pigtails. I adored her, but she despised me. I thought that that was just the way of the world I guess. She was the beauty and I was the beast, and she was NOT having it! The more she hated me, the more I crushed over her. And she would continue to be in my class until Grade Six. *sigh* I even had visions of us married at one point, but that was not to be.
Grade Four. Mrs. Bickford. Not only did she take over from the grade three teacher, but went to great lengths to make sure that the whole class saw how badly I was doing in math. So much so that she even brought the head mistress into the class who was having a bad day and she, yelling, made a public example of me by comparing my fourth grade math homework to that of a third grader's. I had grown to hate school so much that I looked forward to days when I would be sick with the flu. I could stay home and not have to deal with these viking, fang-filled teachers.
Grade Five. Mrs. Mills. The grandmother of teachers. She was the oldest and longest teaching teacher in the school. A fantastic oratrix, and very much involved in the scouts (she was our den mother and yes I was a cub scout in school for a short time), she seemed to be the type of teacher that I would enjoy and would be patient with me. NO DICE! She never beat us for failing tests, but boy she knew how to make you feel bad. One morning, as a gesture to butter her up, I brought her flowers from my mother's garden. She and my mother were BOTH not impressed! She threw them in the garbage. And as with all the teachers I've known up to this point, they all had an addiction to red ink pens!!!! This grade was however the first time we were introduced to writing with pens. We had up to that point been writing with pencils only.
Grade Six! Ms. Pancham! I had always been afraid of teachers who have any South Asian in them (i.e. from India). We always thought them to be impervious to the hottest peppers and could eat them straight without flinching (which she could) and that the more peppers she ate, the hotter her spankings became. And they did! She was the ONLY teacher in the school who had a bamboo cane as a spanking weapon. Something I have felt, but at this point, not that often. I had finally for the first time in my life started catching on to math!!!! I had found a way to figure it out for myself. By this point, my homework was always neatly done and I was always ready for anything. It was there that I passed my Common Entrance exams to get into high school, and also was selected to be deputy head boy of the student body. And even then, I was still scared of Mrs. McGunn!!!!
HIGH SCHOOL!!!
First Form (Grade Seven). As a new high schooler, I took all the advice given to me and made sure that I was rarely seen being dropped to school by my mother. I went to an all boys' high school. Right beside us was the all girls' high school. You can just imagine how this turned out. There was (and still is) a 30 foot barbed wire fence that seperates the two schools. My first form teacher's name was Mr. Richards. He was an actor. I had seen him in a play with the same theatre trouppe that I have also acted with in Jamaica. He always seemed to have his head in the clouds because he never really cared anything about any of us. We saw him from time to time, and he loved to wear white jeans. So he quit, and the new teacher was a lady I will never forget. She was also an actress and a dub poetess named Claudette Richardson-Pious. She was a stout lady with a booming voice so loud that it could kill a bowl of goldfish. When she yelled, we sat and sprouted halos...well, I did! I was always afraid that she would sit on top of us and crush us all to death if we rubbed her the wrong way. And she looked like she was capable of it too! She accused us of sending up her blood pressure and driving her screaming to insanity!! One day, she had had it with us and looked like she was going to pull her hair out any minute. There were other teachers like Mrs. Kumar our math teacher, who always wore a sari, Mrs. Davidson, who was addicted to giving us book reports to write on any and everything she could think of, and Mrs. Chevannes. our guidance councellor who finally explained to us why it is that when we wake up in the mornings, our 'soldiers' are saluting at full attention. That is EXACTLY how she said it!
Second Form (Grade Eight). Ms. Gabbidon. She ruled by instilling in us the word of God! She made us all learn all of 1 Corinthians 13 which we had to recite everyday at form time, by heart! She was someone else who had the joy of the Lord in her. One day we were all given a class detention by another teacher to write the 23rd Psalm 10 times after school and she heard about it and increased it to 25 times! Yep! She was the quintessential Pentecostal woman, with no jewellery and a stern look. Halellu-YER!
Third Form (Grade Nine). Mr. Kerr. He was our Chemistry teacher and the best chem teacher I ever had. It was because of him why I would later be able to pass CXC chemistry. He was a rasta man who commanded attention, and always smelled of burned tobacco and at times, something else (illegal).
Forth Form (Grade Ten). Mr. Blue! He was also our Geography teacher. The only thing I remember about him was that he always smelled of old sweat, and it was always so pungent! He told us when asked point blank that he did not believe in wearing deodorant. And since I sat in the front of the class, I was always downwind of him. It was a miserable existence! It was here that we began our study and training for the CXC and GCE examinations, which all the schools in the entire caribbean would take at the same time. It is akin to exams one takes for graduating from high school with your diploma.
Fifth Form (Grade Eleven). We never saw our form teacher. We knew he existed but he never showed up for anything. The one teacher I do remember was our Spanish teacher, Mrs. Willan. She had a habbit of wearing clothes that were way too tight and heels that were way too high. She always talked to us about her Cosby Show-like family and home and how they are all perfect in every way. We really could not have cared less. What we thought we were getting in a Spanish class always turned into a discussion on how well her sons do at cricket. But we endured. There were also teachers like Mrs. Tamms, our math teacher who always came to class looking half drunk and out of it (after classes with her, we would all congregate and worry collectively about our futures!), and with cracked heels, Ms. McLeod who everyday looked like she was just off a catwalk (*snap* VOGUE!), and Mr. Ballentyne who was just...always on a permanent personal vendetta against us. I think it had something to do with a certain lady teacher he had a crush on who quit because the students made her life a living nightmare and she could not take it anymore. So he was out to kill us, slowly!
I went to Lower and Upper Sixth Forms (Grades Twelve and Thirteen) but those years are such a blur to me because I did most of my course work over at the girls' school because the course work at that point was shared.
So there you have it. It is amazing to me that after all of this, I am still sane. But NOW you see why I am so afraid to be eaten, and always wondering why you are all out to get MOI!
Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Shuffling off to Buffalo *shuffle, shuffle, shuffle*
Last week, I shuffled desperately off to Buffalo! As I have had to do in previous years, I went to renew some papers I need for my status in Canada. So this is how it went:
I sprung out of bed at 2:00AM Tuesday morning!!! I did a quick shimmy in the glee of knowing that I was about to get on a plane going somewhere, and then, a jump-split to express same said glee! Now let me pause here in mid-split for a second and explain to clear up your confusion. I am in Toronto. I am going to Buffalo...YES, BY PLANE!!! Buffalo is only about two hours drive from where I live. I am sure this is not making any sense to you who are reading this. But I will continue with the story...
After landing from my aerial split, I ran to the bathroom to moisturize and to brush my teeth. In no time flat I was ready and raring to go...and I am smelling a pineapple upside down cake right now as I sit here and type this *drool* Mmmmmm....CAAAAAKE! But I digress. The phone rang. It was my ride to the airport. I lept from my milk and dashed like a pig to a truffle to the door and in to the vehicle, scaring the driver half to death. Poor guy. I gave him a good tip though.
After checking in, I went through US immigration. The officer asked me where I was flying to and I told him Buffalo. He gave me the same look of constipation that you are giving as you are reading this. He then asked me why would I not just drive or take the bus. I told him that the last time I took the bus there, I determined that I would never do that again! The last time I did that, it took me over four hours to get to my destination, and I felt like I was a sardine desperately packed, in water, in a can! Needless to say I was one hot mess when I got to Buffalo and was determined never to go through that again! Hence, I flew.
After clearing costumes and passing through security, I decided to eat something. Then the next thing was that I was on the plane flying to Chicago, where I connected to another flight to Buffalo. Now here is where the weird things started happening.
I went to check in to my hotel. They could not find my reservation. After about five minutes of finger clicking on their computer terminal, they found it. Apparently, I had put my name in backwards! Silly moi! I got my key and zwiddled desperately (hamhocks-a-blur) to my room. I walked in to the door wide open and a big box on the floor. They had just finished putting in new furniture and were changing the TVs. Then, the air conditioning went kablewey! So I sauntered BACH downstairs and asked to be put into another room. The new room was perfect for me. The air conditioning was working overtime making it cooler than the other rooms, which was just right for me. And then, I found ANOTHER box on that floor. The service people asked if I would permit them to just install the TV and I said yes. Then I called downstairs and asked for NO MAID SERVICE until I check out. I spent the rest of that evening checking over my papers to present to the Consulate, and eating very bad pizza. I do not know what I was thinking!
4:45AM! I am awake! I got dressed and darted out of the hotel so that I could be first in line! And I was! I stood at the Consulate line for almost 3 hours waiting for them to open. I got in first, and was out first! YEAY!!!! That part was over! I went to brunch and then zwiddled desperately about the city until I ran into the side door of my hotel. I got a little carried away.
The highlight of my time there was that I got to see a very dear friend that I went to Houghton with many years ago, who just happened to be IN that part of NY! My good, and fuzzy, and closetted soprano friend Ribena Eggsalad and her best friend (and cohort in crime) Margarita! I Ribena also brought her mom along as well, and it was so good to see them both again after 14 years! We went to dinner and chatted the night away, remembering our lives at Houghton and all the people that have had to go into therapy just for knowing us. Ribena had not changed much. She still refuses to sing soprano (even though I think a good cattle prod will take care of that) and still fighting against wearing high heels. I did manage to get her in piggies for about four seconds though, and she just sat there. Yep! That's Ribena alright. She is one woman that I know would 'clean my clock' really good, even though I do not have any clocks, or watches for that matter that need cleaning. I still don't get that.
We all laughed the night away. Margarita taught me a song about a sadist, which was fun, and Ribena told me a story about how some of her grown-up students (guys) tried to take her down at the end of the term, and failed! Ribena pretty much tossed them around like they were tonka trucks. The end of the evening was sad for me because I do not know when I will see her again. But she made me sing for them in the parking lot, and I seemed to attract the attention of some passersby, and some bees, who thought I looked like a wad of cotton candy! Aftrer saying my goodbyes, they left, and I went to bed.
The lowlight of my stay was just before my friends arrived. I was in my room, typing away at Sheba when I heard my door beep. A maid came pirouetting into my room with her vacuum cleaner!! I had asked for no maid service, but boy did I get it!!! Just a minute before, and she would have caught me in various stages of UNDRESS!!! And then, I would have been responsible for inducing cardiac arrest from indecent pork exposure!!! I made sure the front desk heard about this and that I was not impressed! (*not impressed look*) I am sure she is in a psych ward about now suffering from PTSD (Pork Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Thursday morning and I was again wide awake! I went to the airport, and caught my flight. Everything was on time. My flights all were on time. I even landed in Toronto right on the dot of 6:29PM which was what was printed on my ticket. Just as I thought I was getting off scot free, a thunderstorm came rumbling in just as we landed, and thus, we had to wait inside the plane for 90 minutes before we could disembark! Fortunately I did not check any luggage, so I could proceed to GO without any stops. I got home and felt like I had been run over by a herd of turtles! I am only just now getting their hoof prints out of my face.
So there you have it. My life in three days!
MOI
I sprung out of bed at 2:00AM Tuesday morning!!! I did a quick shimmy in the glee of knowing that I was about to get on a plane going somewhere, and then, a jump-split to express same said glee! Now let me pause here in mid-split for a second and explain to clear up your confusion. I am in Toronto. I am going to Buffalo...YES, BY PLANE!!! Buffalo is only about two hours drive from where I live. I am sure this is not making any sense to you who are reading this. But I will continue with the story...
After landing from my aerial split, I ran to the bathroom to moisturize and to brush my teeth. In no time flat I was ready and raring to go...and I am smelling a pineapple upside down cake right now as I sit here and type this *drool* Mmmmmm....CAAAAAKE! But I digress. The phone rang. It was my ride to the airport. I lept from my milk and dashed like a pig to a truffle to the door and in to the vehicle, scaring the driver half to death. Poor guy. I gave him a good tip though.
After checking in, I went through US immigration. The officer asked me where I was flying to and I told him Buffalo. He gave me the same look of constipation that you are giving as you are reading this. He then asked me why would I not just drive or take the bus. I told him that the last time I took the bus there, I determined that I would never do that again! The last time I did that, it took me over four hours to get to my destination, and I felt like I was a sardine desperately packed, in water, in a can! Needless to say I was one hot mess when I got to Buffalo and was determined never to go through that again! Hence, I flew.
After clearing costumes and passing through security, I decided to eat something. Then the next thing was that I was on the plane flying to Chicago, where I connected to another flight to Buffalo. Now here is where the weird things started happening.
I went to check in to my hotel. They could not find my reservation. After about five minutes of finger clicking on their computer terminal, they found it. Apparently, I had put my name in backwards! Silly moi! I got my key and zwiddled desperately (hamhocks-a-blur) to my room. I walked in to the door wide open and a big box on the floor. They had just finished putting in new furniture and were changing the TVs. Then, the air conditioning went kablewey! So I sauntered BACH downstairs and asked to be put into another room. The new room was perfect for me. The air conditioning was working overtime making it cooler than the other rooms, which was just right for me. And then, I found ANOTHER box on that floor. The service people asked if I would permit them to just install the TV and I said yes. Then I called downstairs and asked for NO MAID SERVICE until I check out. I spent the rest of that evening checking over my papers to present to the Consulate, and eating very bad pizza. I do not know what I was thinking!
4:45AM! I am awake! I got dressed and darted out of the hotel so that I could be first in line! And I was! I stood at the Consulate line for almost 3 hours waiting for them to open. I got in first, and was out first! YEAY!!!! That part was over! I went to brunch and then zwiddled desperately about the city until I ran into the side door of my hotel. I got a little carried away.
The highlight of my time there was that I got to see a very dear friend that I went to Houghton with many years ago, who just happened to be IN that part of NY! My good, and fuzzy, and closetted soprano friend Ribena Eggsalad and her best friend (and cohort in crime) Margarita! I Ribena also brought her mom along as well, and it was so good to see them both again after 14 years! We went to dinner and chatted the night away, remembering our lives at Houghton and all the people that have had to go into therapy just for knowing us. Ribena had not changed much. She still refuses to sing soprano (even though I think a good cattle prod will take care of that) and still fighting against wearing high heels. I did manage to get her in piggies for about four seconds though, and she just sat there. Yep! That's Ribena alright. She is one woman that I know would 'clean my clock' really good, even though I do not have any clocks, or watches for that matter that need cleaning. I still don't get that.
We all laughed the night away. Margarita taught me a song about a sadist, which was fun, and Ribena told me a story about how some of her grown-up students (guys) tried to take her down at the end of the term, and failed! Ribena pretty much tossed them around like they were tonka trucks. The end of the evening was sad for me because I do not know when I will see her again. But she made me sing for them in the parking lot, and I seemed to attract the attention of some passersby, and some bees, who thought I looked like a wad of cotton candy! Aftrer saying my goodbyes, they left, and I went to bed.
The lowlight of my stay was just before my friends arrived. I was in my room, typing away at Sheba when I heard my door beep. A maid came pirouetting into my room with her vacuum cleaner!! I had asked for no maid service, but boy did I get it!!! Just a minute before, and she would have caught me in various stages of UNDRESS!!! And then, I would have been responsible for inducing cardiac arrest from indecent pork exposure!!! I made sure the front desk heard about this and that I was not impressed! (*not impressed look*) I am sure she is in a psych ward about now suffering from PTSD (Pork Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Thursday morning and I was again wide awake! I went to the airport, and caught my flight. Everything was on time. My flights all were on time. I even landed in Toronto right on the dot of 6:29PM which was what was printed on my ticket. Just as I thought I was getting off scot free, a thunderstorm came rumbling in just as we landed, and thus, we had to wait inside the plane for 90 minutes before we could disembark! Fortunately I did not check any luggage, so I could proceed to GO without any stops. I got home and felt like I had been run over by a herd of turtles! I am only just now getting their hoof prints out of my face.
So there you have it. My life in three days!
MOI
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Confessions of an Entree!
Do not be fooled by the title of this entry! I am NOT giving in to being cooked, or eaten, or in any way prepared for consumption! This entry is entirely devoted to my thoughts about my recent trip to Winnipeg.
It has been a week since I scared the caffeine out of Lulu, who was quite sane and calm before I came shimmying in through the doors of the library. With IV stand in toe, Lulu was getting her daily fix (and to remind you all, these fixes are important to keep her from morphing into the Were-Lulu who eats nymphs and shepherds for brunch!) of hemlock, when, upon the sight of me, proceded to redecorate the walls with a spakling of coffee colour all over the wall. Now one thing I have always loved about my returns to Winnipeg is the wonderful...reception I seem to get from people. Lulu saw me, and her blue peepers bugged wide open! She shrieked out loud, cackled with laughter, ran smack into me, gave me a great big bear hug and then slapped me with a cold trout, deliriously screaming, "HOW THE HECK ARE YA???" (*smack*!) I do not know where the fish came from, but I still have the imprint on my left facial cheek.
The next is when I saw Alvin! I had not seen him in a long time. I had never met his wife before and I was about to get that opportunity. Her name (for this blog) is Coral! And she was at this point, DESPERATELY PREGNANT!!! Now as far as pregnancy goes, there are various stages. There is the stage of not being pregnant, of being slightly pregnant, obviously pregnant, very pregnant, extremely pregnant, and finally, desperately pregnant! She was the very latter of these!!! And my hat is off to her! She was able to be desperately pregnant, and manage two boys, cook dinner, do the laundry with one foot, and answer the mail AND the phone with the other! ALL at the same time!!! Now THAT takes talent! Anywho, I was greeted by Alvin and his two chipmunks rather gleefully the other day, when the two boys saw me, chased after me, and grabbed on to both of my hamhocks and sunk their teeth in! I for a brief moment thought this was a French Canadian greeting I did not know about. Seeing that Frumpyfinns and his brothers are always out to eat me and they are half French Canadian as well, I did not surprise me that much. So I took this as a sign of affection...was I right?
The retreat was interesting to say the least, but it was what happened AFTER the retreat that really took it to that next level! All week long, the house kept hinting at the fact that they had not tasted my skills on the grill. One of them slipped up and said they had not tasted ME on the grill, but I took the time to point out that his Freudian SLIP was showing. Up to this point, the greetings and the requests for attention were at an all time high, much to my glee! But NOTHING prepared me for the thing that Cleopas did that jsut took that over the top! Dressed in tights and his traditional feathered hat, Cleopas, upon seeing me, broke into a little jig, followed by his interpretation of Swan Lake at top speed in a freezer! He climbed into his mother's freezer with his little eukalale and proceeded to soft shoe tap all over the farmer sausage and the frozen peas!! By the time he was done, bless his pointy little head, he had caught a cold and had to get Jeanette to pick him up, sling him over her shoulders and cart him off for hot soup and to bed. Loved the dance routine though!
So you see, Winnipeg is such a wonferful city! There is so much love there! I always look forward to seeing what sorts of greetings await me, like when Rita set herself in a large bowl of lime jello in the fridge for five hours! And then there was the picnic on the hill in Steinbach with Siegfried in lederhosen and the gaggle of wombats running around loose! But that is for another time.
MOI
It has been a week since I scared the caffeine out of Lulu, who was quite sane and calm before I came shimmying in through the doors of the library. With IV stand in toe, Lulu was getting her daily fix (and to remind you all, these fixes are important to keep her from morphing into the Were-Lulu who eats nymphs and shepherds for brunch!) of hemlock, when, upon the sight of me, proceded to redecorate the walls with a spakling of coffee colour all over the wall. Now one thing I have always loved about my returns to Winnipeg is the wonderful...reception I seem to get from people. Lulu saw me, and her blue peepers bugged wide open! She shrieked out loud, cackled with laughter, ran smack into me, gave me a great big bear hug and then slapped me with a cold trout, deliriously screaming, "HOW THE HECK ARE YA???" (*smack*!) I do not know where the fish came from, but I still have the imprint on my left facial cheek.
The next is when I saw Alvin! I had not seen him in a long time. I had never met his wife before and I was about to get that opportunity. Her name (for this blog) is Coral! And she was at this point, DESPERATELY PREGNANT!!! Now as far as pregnancy goes, there are various stages. There is the stage of not being pregnant, of being slightly pregnant, obviously pregnant, very pregnant, extremely pregnant, and finally, desperately pregnant! She was the very latter of these!!! And my hat is off to her! She was able to be desperately pregnant, and manage two boys, cook dinner, do the laundry with one foot, and answer the mail AND the phone with the other! ALL at the same time!!! Now THAT takes talent! Anywho, I was greeted by Alvin and his two chipmunks rather gleefully the other day, when the two boys saw me, chased after me, and grabbed on to both of my hamhocks and sunk their teeth in! I for a brief moment thought this was a French Canadian greeting I did not know about. Seeing that Frumpyfinns and his brothers are always out to eat me and they are half French Canadian as well, I did not surprise me that much. So I took this as a sign of affection...was I right?
The retreat was interesting to say the least, but it was what happened AFTER the retreat that really took it to that next level! All week long, the house kept hinting at the fact that they had not tasted my skills on the grill. One of them slipped up and said they had not tasted ME on the grill, but I took the time to point out that his Freudian SLIP was showing. Up to this point, the greetings and the requests for attention were at an all time high, much to my glee! But NOTHING prepared me for the thing that Cleopas did that jsut took that over the top! Dressed in tights and his traditional feathered hat, Cleopas, upon seeing me, broke into a little jig, followed by his interpretation of Swan Lake at top speed in a freezer! He climbed into his mother's freezer with his little eukalale and proceeded to soft shoe tap all over the farmer sausage and the frozen peas!! By the time he was done, bless his pointy little head, he had caught a cold and had to get Jeanette to pick him up, sling him over her shoulders and cart him off for hot soup and to bed. Loved the dance routine though!
So you see, Winnipeg is such a wonferful city! There is so much love there! I always look forward to seeing what sorts of greetings await me, like when Rita set herself in a large bowl of lime jello in the fridge for five hours! And then there was the picnic on the hill in Steinbach with Siegfried in lederhosen and the gaggle of wombats running around loose! But that is for another time.
MOI
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
How to tell if somene wants to eat you:
I know that there are those who would rather see me steaming on a plate, and here are some reasons I think so. I know that there are those who are trying to eat me when:
1. They are constantly inviting me to dinner and are always trying to overfeed me
2. People keep baking cookies and cakes at me! And this includes bakeries
3. I try to take a bath and find veggies and potatoes in the bathtub
4. I go to Canadian Tire and there are signs leading me to the outdoor barbeque grill section
5. Butchers get ridiculously excited whenever I walk into the grocery store
6. Someone (who will remain NAMELESS!) keeps sending me pictures of hamhocks!
7. People spontaneously drool when they are around me
8. Pigs do jigs and hop around happily whenever I show up on a farm
9. Children, who do not know any better, attach themselves to my hamhock-like thighs and sink their teeth in for no apparent reason
20. Someone switches my peppermint shower gel for A1 Steak Sauce
21. Someone I know recently told me they saw a whale-sized cauldron and thought of me
22. I am being compared to cinnamon and baked goods
23. People keep giving me triple chocolate chunk brownies, chocolate truffles, and Tim Horton's gift cards as gifts
24. Certain people cannot resist the urge to test my tenderness by pinching me
25. I am at a pot luck, there is no food, the pots are empty, and everyone is looking at me longingly and licking their chops
26. Someone's teeth were placed under arrest (YVAAAT!) for trying to take a nibble out of me!
27. I attend a Mennonite church and recipes for farmer sausage get passed around in the offering plates instead of money, and when the minister preaches about self sacrifice
28. I wake up to find some foul fiend sharpening knives right by my bed
29. My friends show up with precarious amounts of trussing cord, and shrinkwrap
AND FINALLY!
30. When someone tells me directly that there want to pop me in their oven, cook, and EAT me!!!
See? I told you I was not paranoid. You would be worried too if you saw these trend of events happen to you too.
MOI
1. They are constantly inviting me to dinner and are always trying to overfeed me
2. People keep baking cookies and cakes at me! And this includes bakeries
3. I try to take a bath and find veggies and potatoes in the bathtub
4. I go to Canadian Tire and there are signs leading me to the outdoor barbeque grill section
5. Butchers get ridiculously excited whenever I walk into the grocery store
6. Someone (who will remain NAMELESS!) keeps sending me pictures of hamhocks!
7. People spontaneously drool when they are around me
8. Pigs do jigs and hop around happily whenever I show up on a farm
9. Children, who do not know any better, attach themselves to my hamhock-like thighs and sink their teeth in for no apparent reason
20. Someone switches my peppermint shower gel for A1 Steak Sauce
21. Someone I know recently told me they saw a whale-sized cauldron and thought of me
22. I am being compared to cinnamon and baked goods
23. People keep giving me triple chocolate chunk brownies, chocolate truffles, and Tim Horton's gift cards as gifts
24. Certain people cannot resist the urge to test my tenderness by pinching me
25. I am at a pot luck, there is no food, the pots are empty, and everyone is looking at me longingly and licking their chops
26. Someone's teeth were placed under arrest (YVAAAT!) for trying to take a nibble out of me!
27. I attend a Mennonite church and recipes for farmer sausage get passed around in the offering plates instead of money, and when the minister preaches about self sacrifice
28. I wake up to find some foul fiend sharpening knives right by my bed
29. My friends show up with precarious amounts of trussing cord, and shrinkwrap
AND FINALLY!
30. When someone tells me directly that there want to pop me in their oven, cook, and EAT me!!!
See? I told you I was not paranoid. You would be worried too if you saw these trend of events happen to you too.
MOI
Friday, August 7, 2009
Just in case you didn't know it...
Here are ten new factoids that will help you to cope when you are experiencing winter in summer, and how to compensate:
1. Take time to get it out of your system. Kick, scream, pluck a chicken, even rip all of your hair out, and then, count to 10
2. Be a maverick! Rock the chartreuse tights!
3. If you are insistent on swimming outdoors, wear a thermal suit
4. Set your oven at 50 degrees Centigrade and climb in. Make sure to turn yourself occasionally
5. Wear pigtails! Doing so will attract warm weather... and pigtail fetishists!
6. If you are going to wear shorts when it is blowing cold outside, don't just complain about it. Whine loudly too!!!!
7. Do Salome's Dance of the Seven Veils outside
8. Eat lots of spicy foods until your eyes run squealing from their sockets
9. Slather yourself with honey. This will attract bees, which will then cause you to run screaming to your mommy. That will indeed get you all hot and sweaty in no time flat!
And, if none of this works:
10. Buy a one-way ticket to the Caribbean!!!!
TA-DAAH!!!!
*tap dance, tap dance, tap dance, tap dance, chasse, chasse, chasse, chasse, sparkle fingers, jump, zwiddle, tap dance, tap dance, tap dance, tap dance, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, jump, kick, parry, thrust, stepball change, kick-split, kick-split, kick-split, chicken dance, chicken dance, pause (*breath!* and then double time to the end!), shimmy, zwiddle, kick-split, chicken dance, stop!!!! run like a mad person into brick wall, make impression and slowly slide to the ground, and then, tip hat*
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
TRUSSED!!!
This past weekend, I again had the desperately FAB privilege of witnessing yet another wedding, or as I like to call it, watching two adorable and God fearing people get permanently trussed together in Holy wedlock! I watched as Paulie-Frumpyfinns and his Lickity-Doodlebops, Kee-Kee-Kicklesqueals tied the noose on Saturday, as I was one of the groomsmen.
The event really began the day before when all of Frumpy's male friends met at his parents' house for what was thought to be a night of hanging out and playing video games. Well, Albert (the best man) thought differently! He secretly rallied the troups and had Frumpy ambushed, hogtied and dragged kicking and screaming from his mommy! Just so that you know, Mrs. L. was a very good sport about the whole thing.
The first thing we did to this poor slob was to tie him to a tree. He did not know this but I secretly placed some logs behind him and was tempted to light them in revenge for all the times he has attempted to use MOI as the main ingredient in one of his recipes! But alas, common sense prevailed, and we strung him up in a tu-tu, tights, pointe shoes, a tiara, and pigtails and placed a sign around his neck that read, "HELP! My groomsmen are trying to sabbotage my wedding!" Just then, a gaggle of cross-dressing ballerinas (Am Punkte) appeared out of nowhere and flitted desperately about the tree waving wands in the air. They untied Frumpy-finns and carried him off, still trussed up as tight as a FedEx package, to the other end of the park, with us in tow. There, they untied him and with the aid of a cattleprod, forced him to dance on one leg, with the other one in a full split, and spinning round and round!
Albert decided that that was enough, so he rescued him and placed a metal slug on his ankle to keep him from running away. Then, we took him to a fast go-kart track and proceeded to race thrice, until appetites won over and we needed food.
The day of the wedding! I was up with a start! Lots to do!!! And less time to do it all in!!!! My first task was to wake up old Frumpy-finns. He had turned into Grumpy-pants at this point! Once breakfasted, I dragged him off to get groomed. Once there, I told them to give him the works!!! This of course meant bringing out the restraints, a gag, hot wax, a spiked ball, cement, hot asphalt, a sander, a buffer and drain-o! I left him in the capable hands of Gerhilde, the viking cosmetologist/hairdo lady. Armed with an ample bosom and a spear and a brass bra, she managed to get him to sit still for the grooming while I ran out to wash the car and do some other errands. When I returned, he was almost unrecognizable! I actually saw two eyebrows instead of one, and his hair was actually co-operating (probably from the shock of Gerhilde threatening to show him her talking mole on her back!). We scurried home to get dressed! I have never seen Frumpy-finns (now GROOM) so flustered! We got home and he immediately started moulting! He would head into three different directions at once before declaring that he wanted to be left alone. He would gasp, sigh, whimper, and wilt all in the space of thirty seconds! Once I made sure he was dressed and I was able to gather up all his shedded feathers and put them back in, he was ready to go, so I folded him into the car and took him for pictures before the ceremony.
Taking the pictures was uneventful, except for when the groom kept referring to us as his penguins, to which, when beckoned, we would respond by walking like penguins to get the point across that we were not impressed.
Once at the church, everything went WITH the great big hitch! The hitch of seeing two desperately adora-bubble people get trussed up together like a big Sunday dinner and placed into a large roasting pan filled with veggies and dip! And speaking of trussing, the reception went very well! MOI was the MC and did my very best to keep people laughing and begged for the food to keep coming so that people would not be tempted to look at me too hard and longingly as the main course. Once it was all over, I felt as if I had given birth to a hippo, butt first, and upside-down! I needed a rest! So now, I will take one!
Congrats to my two friends for this wonderful milestone! May God continue to feed you, bless you, fluff you up, and may you have the wisdom of Solomon, the patience of Job and the children of Israel! And have fun trying!!!!!!!!
MOI
Saturday, August 1, 2009
VaVaVoom! The DESPERATE Love Story!
Once upon a time, in a far away land, where the sun shines desperately, there lived a little lady named Vava-Voom! She was a science teacher. And she was exceptional in her job! She had developed quickly the characteristic smile that rendered us (her students) clueless as to what she was thinking at any given time, and at the same time, she was able to tune us ALL out at once!!! Nothing at all phased her! She had this fierce calm about her that somtimes caused us all to worry about our futures if we continued to be naughty. I, however was the angel of the class. I would sit quietly and listen. Really! (*insert halo, harp music, and big grins here*).
Over the years, I wondered where she dissappeared to. And alas, I happened to run smack into her (with a minor thud) on facebook and discovered that she set sail for the same land I did: CANADA!!! I also noticed that her maiden name was gone in lieu of another, and she sounded so desperately happy whenever we would chat online. I saw her recently at an event, and she looks exactly the way I remember her, except for one small thing. She is regressing in age physically! I am now looking older than she does! She told me the story of how she met this man, and how they got married. I guess love does keep one young and supple! So, that story checked into a room through my ear into my brain, where it took residence, flung itself into a cauldron and stewed itself for a while, and I am now ready to tell you the version of this true story in the way it has...*cough-cough* developed!
Once upon a time, in the land of the desperate sun, there lived a lovely little lady named vAVa-VooM!!! In this part of the story, she is asleep in bed, lightly snoring away, in her night cap and flannel sheets, emitting "Z's" with each expired breath. The sun rises, and one would think she would rise to the music of the little birdies on her windowsills, with the little woodland creatures, and the nymphs and shepherds, who would have hovered over her, watching her sleep (Hmmmmm! Creepy!) and would play their harps wafting her to the land of wakefulness, where she would, with a very light and crystal-clear soprano voice, sing with them, while dining on berries that they gathered for her all night long. Well, not quite! She did indeed have the nymphs, shepherds and woodland creatures show up at her windowsills. But as the sun began to sing, she shot up out of bed in full split, arms spread and with a big grin, screaming, "YIPEE!!!" In doing so, she knocked out three shepherds and two nymphs by sending them flying into the wall SPLAT, and after five seconds, they slid down the wall to the floor unconscious and losing their two front teeth!
Without wasting a moment, she flung herself into a telephone booth. Now, let me state that anybody with half a brain would know that you can have a telephone booth in your closet. One never knows when one is going to need one. So she flings herself into it, and comes out three seconds later dressed as wonderwoman. "Hmmm!" she thought. "Wrong costume!" And after several attempts, gave up and settled for the little Bo-Peep costume! So she put her hair into pigtails and put on her little bonnet, and had an unexplained urge to go visit some sheep on a nearby hillside. So, she packed her little picnic basket, and went skipping daintily on her way.
Whilst skipping daintily along, she realized that she did not know where exactly she was going, but kept on skipping daintily along and singing, "LAALALAALALAAH!!". As soon as she turned the corner, she ran smack into a man...LITERALLY! They both collided in mid air, which sent her basket flying, and his little bundle on a stick flying in the opposite direction. They were suspended from terra firma for about five seconds before they both fell to the ground, she with little testubes circling her head, and him, little beating hearts!
When she came to, VAva-VoOm said, "Mommy I do not want to go to school today, and I like mint jelly!!!!" and then giddily passed out again. The young man, Egbert, got up and picked her up and set her down by a tree. When she arose, she saw him, and they both fell desperately in love! To make sure that it was true love though, she took him by surprise and clobbered him senseless with a frozen hamhock and waited. When he came to, he was still desperately in love with her. She was so beside herself with glee that she kept having to pinch herself very hard to snap herself out of the delirious euphoria that surrounded and eventually oozed out of her corpus!
The two got married and now live in Canada, and are still so gleefully in love, and live in a little shoe in the middle of the glens of Mississauga!
THE END!!!
Isn't that lovely, hmmm? Don't you just love happy endings???
MOI
Over the years, I wondered where she dissappeared to. And alas, I happened to run smack into her (with a minor thud) on facebook and discovered that she set sail for the same land I did: CANADA!!! I also noticed that her maiden name was gone in lieu of another, and she sounded so desperately happy whenever we would chat online. I saw her recently at an event, and she looks exactly the way I remember her, except for one small thing. She is regressing in age physically! I am now looking older than she does! She told me the story of how she met this man, and how they got married. I guess love does keep one young and supple! So, that story checked into a room through my ear into my brain, where it took residence, flung itself into a cauldron and stewed itself for a while, and I am now ready to tell you the version of this true story in the way it has...*cough-cough* developed!
Once upon a time, in the land of the desperate sun, there lived a lovely little lady named vAVa-VooM!!! In this part of the story, she is asleep in bed, lightly snoring away, in her night cap and flannel sheets, emitting "Z's" with each expired breath. The sun rises, and one would think she would rise to the music of the little birdies on her windowsills, with the little woodland creatures, and the nymphs and shepherds, who would have hovered over her, watching her sleep (Hmmmmm! Creepy!) and would play their harps wafting her to the land of wakefulness, where she would, with a very light and crystal-clear soprano voice, sing with them, while dining on berries that they gathered for her all night long. Well, not quite! She did indeed have the nymphs, shepherds and woodland creatures show up at her windowsills. But as the sun began to sing, she shot up out of bed in full split, arms spread and with a big grin, screaming, "YIPEE!!!" In doing so, she knocked out three shepherds and two nymphs by sending them flying into the wall SPLAT, and after five seconds, they slid down the wall to the floor unconscious and losing their two front teeth!
Without wasting a moment, she flung herself into a telephone booth. Now, let me state that anybody with half a brain would know that you can have a telephone booth in your closet. One never knows when one is going to need one. So she flings herself into it, and comes out three seconds later dressed as wonderwoman. "Hmmm!" she thought. "Wrong costume!" And after several attempts, gave up and settled for the little Bo-Peep costume! So she put her hair into pigtails and put on her little bonnet, and had an unexplained urge to go visit some sheep on a nearby hillside. So, she packed her little picnic basket, and went skipping daintily on her way.
Whilst skipping daintily along, she realized that she did not know where exactly she was going, but kept on skipping daintily along and singing, "LAALALAALALAAH!!". As soon as she turned the corner, she ran smack into a man...LITERALLY! They both collided in mid air, which sent her basket flying, and his little bundle on a stick flying in the opposite direction. They were suspended from terra firma for about five seconds before they both fell to the ground, she with little testubes circling her head, and him, little beating hearts!
When she came to, VAva-VoOm said, "Mommy I do not want to go to school today, and I like mint jelly!!!!" and then giddily passed out again. The young man, Egbert, got up and picked her up and set her down by a tree. When she arose, she saw him, and they both fell desperately in love! To make sure that it was true love though, she took him by surprise and clobbered him senseless with a frozen hamhock and waited. When he came to, he was still desperately in love with her. She was so beside herself with glee that she kept having to pinch herself very hard to snap herself out of the delirious euphoria that surrounded and eventually oozed out of her corpus!
The two got married and now live in Canada, and are still so gleefully in love, and live in a little shoe in the middle of the glens of Mississauga!
THE END!!!
Isn't that lovely, hmmm? Don't you just love happy endings???
MOI
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