Patrick (a.k.a. Paulie-Frumpyfinns) and his lumpty-dumm-dumms Kee-Kee-Kicklesqueals are tying the noose on Saturday. Loverly! FABulou(*whistle!*)! We are all extatic (and relieved!) that this wonderful lady has taken desperate pity on this unkempt and shedding animal, to wed him, truss herself with him (and some parsely!), and put him (and us!) out of his (and our) mysery!
Tomorrow is the wedding rehearsal and dinner! SO much to do! We are getting down to the wire. My role in all of this you ask? As one of the groomsmen, it is my duty to make sure that Mr. Frumpyfinns gets to a pet-grooming establishment so that he can at least be washed, combed and leashed for the occasion! He still has no idea that there will be hot wax involved, as well as a sander, cement, drain-o, and other such delights!
Kee-Kee-Kicklesqueals was at death's door earlier on this week. And naturally, Patrick rushed to her side in cape and tights to save the day...and promptly got sick himself. She is on the mend, and I am sure, just giddy with desperate and unbridled glee as the day of her sentencing approaches, when she will be saddled with the beast. When she last called to talk to her poodly-poo-poofs, she emitted random soprano-like squeals of glee that deafened me in my left ear. So we know she may be exhibiting some signs of excitement about all this.
Frumpyfinns, on the other hand is the one who is a perfect WRECK!!! Up and down the stairs I have seen him zwiddle desperately, flit, float, trudge, and flubble about the house, yelling such incoherent phrases such as, "I need to get my stuff together!", "Moooooom!" , and my least favourite, "So what are you guys planning for my stag?" It has not occured to him that there might not even be a stag at this rate. I catch him trying to snoop around and bribe people for hints, and it is quite amusing to me because he has no clue that his "stag" may be something rather...simple.
So there you have it. My desperate commentary will continue once the event has actually happened. And BOY am I going to have a LOT to say about this!!!
Stay tuned!
MOI
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Retreat! RETREEEEEEEEET 2009!!!
So, we did it again! We retreat! RETREEEEEEET-ED!!!! for yet another summer! This however was the first year that the retreat was turned outside-IN!!!!
We all zwiddled desperately there at around 6:00PM, bringing our assorted accoutrements (tents, food, peanut butter, teddy bears, toothbrushes, rubber duckies, whisks, and a toilet plunger!) and placed them in the centre of the living room, so that we could have dinner. Patrick (a.k.a. Paulie-Frumpyfinns) made enchiladas (with the help of MOI) and they were good! We all ate until we were full! Seeing that it has just rained, we decided to spend the first night indoors. We figured we would set the tents up in the morning, when the sun will be smiling down upon us and the nymphs and shepherds would swoop down from the lofty births to sing and play amongst us.
During the evening, I kept feeling something like sand falling upon my head. I was soon to find out that Cleopas was trying to season me again! You see, he tried to convince me that he managed to find a whale-sized cauldron. I knew he was lying because I checked and they were fresh out of them!!!! He was just jealous because I managed to find whisks his size (those I brought with me), the ones he said I would never find.
After chatting and catching up, we all settled in up and downstairs (girls up, guys down) for the night. Then I saw a sight that did not really shock me at all. Cleopas, thinking we were all asleep, slipped out the back door and into the garage! I thought to myself, this MUST be interesting! I snuck behind him to find that he was heading into a bag, where he pulled out what looked like a unitard and a pair of wings!!! He squeezed his way into them, after slathering himself generously with lard and literally flitted into the trees where he proceeded to buzz the night away in conducting the nymph and shepherd Mennonite chorale!!! I would not have believed it if I did not see it...wait a minute. Knowing me, I would have!!!!!
As the sun rose of Saturday morning, I sprung out of my slumber to find that I was not alone! For Siegmund was up and flitting about too!!! I shot out of bed and in a full split, singing "DICH TEURE HALLE!!!!" in the soprano range!!! I flung myself upstairs to find the girls in various forms of sleep: Yippee was awake and reading while adorably curled into her shrimp cocktail impression. Jeanette was snoozing away, calming sleeping like an infant, and Rita...well, Rita's mouth was wide open, drooling like a fish and dressed like a cherry popsickle! Jeanette got up to make breakfast and, at the smell of the eggs, Rita, while still asleep and drooling, lightly floated up (suspended from terra firma of course) and instinctively followed the scent of the food and sat at the table. Then, she woke up! And then the rest was chaos! Rita shot like a bolt of lightning to get her magic bullet! She is now into blended food! She basically DRANK all her food! Into the blender, she put eggs, toast, milk, oranges, jam, peanut brittle and treebark and gobbled it down through a straw, while the rest of us ate real food! Then, for kicks, she beat up Dieter and held him down and gave him piggies, much to my glee! Cleopas, returning secretly from his night of buzzing tried to look as normal as possible but forgot that he had pixie dust in his hair still.
So where was Paulie-Frumpyfinns at this point you might ask? Well, he was with his lumpty-dumm-dumms, Kee-Kee Kicklesqueals! He spent the night at her parents' home WITH her parents!!!! Just to clarify there... He came flittering in without his feet touching the ground once. He wreaked of hearts!!! Everywhere he went, he had little red hearts oozing from his corpus! I know that that cannot be good for the environment!!!
We spent part of the day in a park. We rolled Rita down the hill at least thrice, and played ring-aound-the-rosie a few times. We took pictures of us jumping around some trees and watched Dieter zwiddle desperately around the park after consuming the equivalent of five large coke slurpees!!! In fact his brothers were able to harness him to the front of their car and made him pull them all back to where we were staying to save on gas. And he did! He even got a ticket for speeding!!!
As soon as we got home, I was in the kitchen cooking up a storm! I made one of my desperately moist chocolate cakes and got started on dinner. I basically kept the kitchen hopping because the more I did, the less anyone thought about eating me, especially Cleopas!!! I could always tell when he was hungry. He'd look at me longingly and drool!!! So I cooked until I was silly!!! Once everyone was fed, we got to a point in the evening when we felt too lazy to set up the tents, so we decided to sleep IN again!!! So that is where the retreat turned outside-IN!!!
Sunday! Again, I was up scaring the birds out of their eggs!!! This time, I thought of a soothing song to sing, like, "HOJOTOHOJO!!!!!!" As I fell up the flight of steps (yes! Fell UP!), I ran smack into Mrs. K., who was up with Mr. K. preparing a delicious waffle breakfast for us all! We ate until we were senseless again! And then we went to church, like good little boys and girls. Rita wore her frilly girly dress with a pair of boxing gloves, and Cleopas wore his favourite cape. Mervin wore his little beanie with the propellor on top,and nothing else!!!! Needless to say I had to fix that immediately (I am now in therapy after such a sight!!). We had a great time. After church we all skipped daintily BACH home where we basically packed up and thus, ended another (and possibly our last) RETREAT! RETREEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!
Sad it was. I wept bitterly almost all the way home. Ask Mervin. He just sat there and watched me cry-drive, and then proceeded to fall asleep with mouth agape in the midst of my spilling my guts and bosoms all over the road!!! The nerve!!!
So there you have it! And that is EXACTLY how it all went up!
MOI
We all zwiddled desperately there at around 6:00PM, bringing our assorted accoutrements (tents, food, peanut butter, teddy bears, toothbrushes, rubber duckies, whisks, and a toilet plunger!) and placed them in the centre of the living room, so that we could have dinner. Patrick (a.k.a. Paulie-Frumpyfinns) made enchiladas (with the help of MOI) and they were good! We all ate until we were full! Seeing that it has just rained, we decided to spend the first night indoors. We figured we would set the tents up in the morning, when the sun will be smiling down upon us and the nymphs and shepherds would swoop down from the lofty births to sing and play amongst us.
During the evening, I kept feeling something like sand falling upon my head. I was soon to find out that Cleopas was trying to season me again! You see, he tried to convince me that he managed to find a whale-sized cauldron. I knew he was lying because I checked and they were fresh out of them!!!! He was just jealous because I managed to find whisks his size (those I brought with me), the ones he said I would never find.
After chatting and catching up, we all settled in up and downstairs (girls up, guys down) for the night. Then I saw a sight that did not really shock me at all. Cleopas, thinking we were all asleep, slipped out the back door and into the garage! I thought to myself, this MUST be interesting! I snuck behind him to find that he was heading into a bag, where he pulled out what looked like a unitard and a pair of wings!!! He squeezed his way into them, after slathering himself generously with lard and literally flitted into the trees where he proceeded to buzz the night away in conducting the nymph and shepherd Mennonite chorale!!! I would not have believed it if I did not see it...wait a minute. Knowing me, I would have!!!!!
As the sun rose of Saturday morning, I sprung out of my slumber to find that I was not alone! For Siegmund was up and flitting about too!!! I shot out of bed and in a full split, singing "DICH TEURE HALLE!!!!" in the soprano range!!! I flung myself upstairs to find the girls in various forms of sleep: Yippee was awake and reading while adorably curled into her shrimp cocktail impression. Jeanette was snoozing away, calming sleeping like an infant, and Rita...well, Rita's mouth was wide open, drooling like a fish and dressed like a cherry popsickle! Jeanette got up to make breakfast and, at the smell of the eggs, Rita, while still asleep and drooling, lightly floated up (suspended from terra firma of course) and instinctively followed the scent of the food and sat at the table. Then, she woke up! And then the rest was chaos! Rita shot like a bolt of lightning to get her magic bullet! She is now into blended food! She basically DRANK all her food! Into the blender, she put eggs, toast, milk, oranges, jam, peanut brittle and treebark and gobbled it down through a straw, while the rest of us ate real food! Then, for kicks, she beat up Dieter and held him down and gave him piggies, much to my glee! Cleopas, returning secretly from his night of buzzing tried to look as normal as possible but forgot that he had pixie dust in his hair still.
So where was Paulie-Frumpyfinns at this point you might ask? Well, he was with his lumpty-dumm-dumms, Kee-Kee Kicklesqueals! He spent the night at her parents' home WITH her parents!!!! Just to clarify there... He came flittering in without his feet touching the ground once. He wreaked of hearts!!! Everywhere he went, he had little red hearts oozing from his corpus! I know that that cannot be good for the environment!!!
We spent part of the day in a park. We rolled Rita down the hill at least thrice, and played ring-aound-the-rosie a few times. We took pictures of us jumping around some trees and watched Dieter zwiddle desperately around the park after consuming the equivalent of five large coke slurpees!!! In fact his brothers were able to harness him to the front of their car and made him pull them all back to where we were staying to save on gas. And he did! He even got a ticket for speeding!!!
As soon as we got home, I was in the kitchen cooking up a storm! I made one of my desperately moist chocolate cakes and got started on dinner. I basically kept the kitchen hopping because the more I did, the less anyone thought about eating me, especially Cleopas!!! I could always tell when he was hungry. He'd look at me longingly and drool!!! So I cooked until I was silly!!! Once everyone was fed, we got to a point in the evening when we felt too lazy to set up the tents, so we decided to sleep IN again!!! So that is where the retreat turned outside-IN!!!
Sunday! Again, I was up scaring the birds out of their eggs!!! This time, I thought of a soothing song to sing, like, "HOJOTOHOJO!!!!!!" As I fell up the flight of steps (yes! Fell UP!), I ran smack into Mrs. K., who was up with Mr. K. preparing a delicious waffle breakfast for us all! We ate until we were senseless again! And then we went to church, like good little boys and girls. Rita wore her frilly girly dress with a pair of boxing gloves, and Cleopas wore his favourite cape. Mervin wore his little beanie with the propellor on top,and nothing else!!!! Needless to say I had to fix that immediately (I am now in therapy after such a sight!!). We had a great time. After church we all skipped daintily BACH home where we basically packed up and thus, ended another (and possibly our last) RETREAT! RETREEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!
Sad it was. I wept bitterly almost all the way home. Ask Mervin. He just sat there and watched me cry-drive, and then proceeded to fall asleep with mouth agape in the midst of my spilling my guts and bosoms all over the road!!! The nerve!!!
So there you have it! And that is EXACTLY how it all went up!
MOI
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Hamhock Soliloguy!
TO WHISK, OR NOT TO WHISK! That is the custard:
Whether tis nobler in the bowl, to suffer the breads and butters of outrageous waistlines, or to take anice against a tub of lard, and by broasting, blend them.
To brine, to sip, no more, and in a sip, to say we end this heartburn, and the thousand natural farts that flesh is 'air' to. Tis a consumme devoutly to be dished...
To diet, to whip, to whip, perchance to drip, ay, there's the blubber! For in that [Hershey's] kiss of blend what teas may come, when we have shriveled into an olive oil, must give us cramps; there's the preheat that make calamari of so long lime, for who would bear the creams and corns of time: The winepresser's rum, the proud lamb's compote, the pancakes of despised plum, the ham's decay, the innocence of allspice, and the burns that paste of the tomato of the inedible takes when he himself might his custards make with a clear brandy?
Who would fennel bear, to roll and knead under a weary hearth, but that the dread of dinner without beer!
The unsanitized counter, from whose bread no foodie devours fizzes the drink and makes us rather drink those salts we have than to fry to those we know not of? Thus corn chips doth make calories of us all, and thus the native rue of refried beans in sicklied oer with the kale pasta raw, and pepto bismols of great pots of hominy, with this regard, their currants turn awry, and chew the fat of bacon!
Courtesy of MOI!
Whether tis nobler in the bowl, to suffer the breads and butters of outrageous waistlines, or to take anice against a tub of lard, and by broasting, blend them.
To brine, to sip, no more, and in a sip, to say we end this heartburn, and the thousand natural farts that flesh is 'air' to. Tis a consumme devoutly to be dished...
To diet, to whip, to whip, perchance to drip, ay, there's the blubber! For in that [Hershey's] kiss of blend what teas may come, when we have shriveled into an olive oil, must give us cramps; there's the preheat that make calamari of so long lime, for who would bear the creams and corns of time: The winepresser's rum, the proud lamb's compote, the pancakes of despised plum, the ham's decay, the innocence of allspice, and the burns that paste of the tomato of the inedible takes when he himself might his custards make with a clear brandy?
Who would fennel bear, to roll and knead under a weary hearth, but that the dread of dinner without beer!
The unsanitized counter, from whose bread no foodie devours fizzes the drink and makes us rather drink those salts we have than to fry to those we know not of? Thus corn chips doth make calories of us all, and thus the native rue of refried beans in sicklied oer with the kale pasta raw, and pepto bismols of great pots of hominy, with this regard, their currants turn awry, and chew the fat of bacon!
Courtesy of MOI!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
SCOOOORE!!!!!
I have a brand new score in my meaty little fingertons! A Ricordi score of La Donna del Lago by Gioacchino Rossini. I was chewing on my toesies (and everyone else's) waiting for the package to arrive. The doorbell rang! It was the UPS man!! I bounced upstairs and zwiddled desperately to the door, and scared the UPS man half to death by almost colliding into him! I took the package and was wondering why he was still standing there. He had his hand out waiting for payment of $2.71 CAD for duty. So I ran up and down the stairs like an insane person looking for change! After three attempts, I finally found the amount, paid him and sent him on his way, which I am sure he was glad to be at that point. I was now alone with my new score, all packaged in bubblewrap (*glee*) and stared at it for a long time. To savour the suspense, I decided to wait until the next day when I was at the Faculty of Music at the U of M, seated for the unveiling! Once opened, I proceeded to INHALE the book! There is something about a new book smell! You almost do not want to open it, but put it in bed and cover it with a blanket and feed it porridge!!
But alas, I opened the book! The suspense at this point was so thick that even Lulu was drooling from behind the counter on the OTHER side of the room and she did not even know it!!!! Like a raging sadist, I grabbed my florescent GREEN marker (now let me state that many people think that that colour is yellow...YOU ARE WRONG!!!) and proceeded to get totally carried away in marking my part in the score!
After two solid hours (and three bathroom trips!) of marking, I was complete!!!! SUCCESS!!!! And in honour of the occasion, I did a little shimmy and jig on the spot! Then I began to hear certain desperate strains wreaking havoc in my ear. The NYMPHS and SHEPHERDS came down from the bookshelves to rejoice with me in my glee! They knew that Lulu was given her coffeine patch for the day and did not have to fear her lack-of-morning-hemlock, nymph-and-shepherd-eating rampage which always seems to happen so quickly that not even Lulu can remember what happened, and always wonders why she has feathers and permed hair stuck in her teeth! So after playing a quick game of ring-around-the-rosey, they flitted away to keep from being caught.
And then, it was time for me to mount my umbrella once again and ride the westerly winds home. And tomorrow, I shall RETREAT! RETREEEEEEEEEET (2009) BACH to Steinbach, once again!
**JUMPSPLITS**
Moi
But alas, I opened the book! The suspense at this point was so thick that even Lulu was drooling from behind the counter on the OTHER side of the room and she did not even know it!!!! Like a raging sadist, I grabbed my florescent GREEN marker (now let me state that many people think that that colour is yellow...YOU ARE WRONG!!!) and proceeded to get totally carried away in marking my part in the score!
After two solid hours (and three bathroom trips!) of marking, I was complete!!!! SUCCESS!!!! And in honour of the occasion, I did a little shimmy and jig on the spot! Then I began to hear certain desperate strains wreaking havoc in my ear. The NYMPHS and SHEPHERDS came down from the bookshelves to rejoice with me in my glee! They knew that Lulu was given her coffeine patch for the day and did not have to fear her lack-of-morning-hemlock, nymph-and-shepherd-eating rampage which always seems to happen so quickly that not even Lulu can remember what happened, and always wonders why she has feathers and permed hair stuck in her teeth! So after playing a quick game of ring-around-the-rosey, they flitted away to keep from being caught.
And then, it was time for me to mount my umbrella once again and ride the westerly winds home. And tomorrow, I shall RETREAT! RETREEEEEEEEEET (2009) BACH to Steinbach, once again!
**JUMPSPLITS**
Moi
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wedding Preparations!
So now, I have the desperate pleasure of watching Patrick-Frumpyfinns and his appledumpling-dumm-didi-dumm-dumms, Kee-Kee-Kicklesqueals zwiddle about desperately like a pair of rabid turtles as they go through last minute wedding jitters, and all in Matrix-like slow motion!
Kicklesqueals has the amazing talent of falling asleep in any position she finds herself in. When she is not sleeping, she is scheming via subliminal messages to the wedding party, as she really wants to see us all in pepto bismol coloured tu-tus flitting down the aisle, "am Punkte" to the music of Swan Lake played on the gazoo!
Meanwhile, Frumpyfinns is wandering around enjoying his hairy scruffy-ness, and gleefully unaware that he will be descended upon and groomed, which will of course involve fishingline, duct tape, cement, hot parafin wax, a sander, mitre saw, steel wool and drain-o!!!
Mervin, even though he pretends not to be excited, is chomping at the bit to get back to Winnipeg! When he thinks no one is looking, he jumps up and down, clapping his hands in glee over his impending arrival, and to make the time go even faster, he has taken up an online knitting course to learn how to crochet.
Mr. and Mrs. L. in all of this continue to remain sane. Mrs. L. busies herself with making sure that calls are returned, menus tackled, etc, while Mr. L. quietly watches all the bustle from the sidelines, playing his guitar and chewing on a blade of wheat, and escapes the stress by going to bed early. SMART MAN!!!
And I am like the wrench thrown into it all!!! In the midst of all the running around and yelling for the phone, and chasing after Frumpyfinns with a grooming kit, I mount the spring board and nose-dive right into the middle of it all, wreaking havoc in my wake and baking desserts at everyone! I figure that the busier I keep, the less likely it is for me to get eaten!!!
MOI
Kicklesqueals has the amazing talent of falling asleep in any position she finds herself in. When she is not sleeping, she is scheming via subliminal messages to the wedding party, as she really wants to see us all in pepto bismol coloured tu-tus flitting down the aisle, "am Punkte" to the music of Swan Lake played on the gazoo!
Meanwhile, Frumpyfinns is wandering around enjoying his hairy scruffy-ness, and gleefully unaware that he will be descended upon and groomed, which will of course involve fishingline, duct tape, cement, hot parafin wax, a sander, mitre saw, steel wool and drain-o!!!
Mervin, even though he pretends not to be excited, is chomping at the bit to get back to Winnipeg! When he thinks no one is looking, he jumps up and down, clapping his hands in glee over his impending arrival, and to make the time go even faster, he has taken up an online knitting course to learn how to crochet.
Mr. and Mrs. L. in all of this continue to remain sane. Mrs. L. busies herself with making sure that calls are returned, menus tackled, etc, while Mr. L. quietly watches all the bustle from the sidelines, playing his guitar and chewing on a blade of wheat, and escapes the stress by going to bed early. SMART MAN!!!
And I am like the wrench thrown into it all!!! In the midst of all the running around and yelling for the phone, and chasing after Frumpyfinns with a grooming kit, I mount the spring board and nose-dive right into the middle of it all, wreaking havoc in my wake and baking desserts at everyone! I figure that the busier I keep, the less likely it is for me to get eaten!!!
MOI
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
A Cool Summer!
Now, whenever I zwiddle desperately hither and thither through the city, certain growns of constipation fall upon my ear, and these growns come from those who are not enjoying the cool summer we are having in Canada. As for me, I could not be happier!!! I love to wake up to the sun's rays dancing desperately upon the frosty dew on the grass, and the chill in the air just makes me want to fling myself upon a horse, and ride naked through a field of rutabagas!!!! The brisk air nipping at my chins, the birdies twerping happily without a care in the world, the nymphs and shepherds dancing in a ring, again with their bad $2.99 perma-nama-nents!!!!
I think it is time to embrace the frigid days of summer! Yelling at the sun is not going to do anything really. It just makes one hoarse after a while. Instead I think that we should break out our sweaters and sit by a campfire and sing KUMBAYA!!! I look at this as the perfect time to do all the gardening and all other forms of outside work, without having to sweat too much. That way, we can fan less and mop less brows.
The other thing is that this cool time can prepare us for the winter to follow. Yes! It keeps our blood pumping thick so that we have more of a chance of staying warm and toasty when those winter months roll in!
So, put away the shorts and miniskirts and break out the fur because winter is not too far away! *CONFETTI!* HURRAY!!! *jump-splits*
So now, I shall give myself a good headstart, seeing that, upon reading this blog, especially by some people who will remain nameless, I will be hunted down by an angry mob of rabid cannibals with torches seeking to render me defunct, tied to a stake, , pickled, stuffed, trussed, seasoned and culinated!!!
YEAY WINTER!!!!!!!!!!! *pom-poms, and hides*
MOI
I think it is time to embrace the frigid days of summer! Yelling at the sun is not going to do anything really. It just makes one hoarse after a while. Instead I think that we should break out our sweaters and sit by a campfire and sing KUMBAYA!!! I look at this as the perfect time to do all the gardening and all other forms of outside work, without having to sweat too much. That way, we can fan less and mop less brows.
The other thing is that this cool time can prepare us for the winter to follow. Yes! It keeps our blood pumping thick so that we have more of a chance of staying warm and toasty when those winter months roll in!
So, put away the shorts and miniskirts and break out the fur because winter is not too far away! *CONFETTI!* HURRAY!!! *jump-splits*
So now, I shall give myself a good headstart, seeing that, upon reading this blog, especially by some people who will remain nameless, I will be hunted down by an angry mob of rabid cannibals with torches seeking to render me defunct, tied to a stake, , pickled, stuffed, trussed, seasoned and culinated!!!
YEAY WINTER!!!!!!!!!!! *pom-poms, and hides*
MOI
Just in case you didn't know it...
Here are 10 desperate factoids that you can make use of when being eaten (and I am an absolute expert of this subject!):
1. When attacked, fling yourself upon the ground, flail and squeal wildly, loudly and desperately!
2. Avoid all moisturizers which contain VEGETABLE oils!!!
3. Develop your own anti-eat-me/cannibal repellent.
4. Create great distances between your corpus, and trussing cords and, metal stakes...and oh yes! APPLES!!!
5. COnsume precarious amounts of chocolate! It causes the body to produce enzymes rendering you rather tasteless!
6. Adopt a vegetarian mountain lion as a pet and name it Mildred.
7. Work out desperately at the gym and get all pumped up, like AH-NULD!!!
8. When being coaxed into a cauldron, scream and run away!!!
9. When being drooled upon, disorientate predator by singing wildly off-key at double-forte!
10. If none of this works, be scrappy...BITE!!!!
Don't thank me for sharing this with you for it was my pleasure!!!
MOI
1. When attacked, fling yourself upon the ground, flail and squeal wildly, loudly and desperately!
2. Avoid all moisturizers which contain VEGETABLE oils!!!
3. Develop your own anti-eat-me/cannibal repellent.
4. Create great distances between your corpus, and trussing cords and, metal stakes...and oh yes! APPLES!!!
5. COnsume precarious amounts of chocolate! It causes the body to produce enzymes rendering you rather tasteless!
6. Adopt a vegetarian mountain lion as a pet and name it Mildred.
7. Work out desperately at the gym and get all pumped up, like AH-NULD!!!
8. When being coaxed into a cauldron, scream and run away!!!
9. When being drooled upon, disorientate predator by singing wildly off-key at double-forte!
10. If none of this works, be scrappy...BITE!!!!
Don't thank me for sharing this with you for it was my pleasure!!!
MOI
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