I am concerned!

Over the last few years I have had to, on myriad occasions, stave off attacks upon my corpus, by those of you out there who insist on thinking that I am a gourmet menu item. All my efforts to dissuade you seem to be futile!

I have learned recently that some of you have sunk to a whole new low level of depravity! As I was giddily minding my own business, I was informed by more than one of you that a company has risen up against me, called JABACON and other Williamson Products, Inc. I am not making this up you know, and to prove it, THEY EVEN HAVE A FACEBOOK PAGE COMMITTED TO IT!!!! The interesting thing to note about all of this is that I have never once been contacted about this, seeing that all the products are supposedly to come from different parts of my corpus, and therefore seem to be expected to co-operate with such nonsense!

Firstly, I am here to prove that all of this is a FRAUD!!! If you look at the picture on the front of that facebook page, you will note that there is a slab of red meat on the front, with good old Percy claiming that that cut came from MOI! That could NOT have come from me, because I have ham-hocks, not beef shanks! And also, as far as I can tell, I am still very much intact, and in possession of ALL of my pork!

Secondly, one of YOU (you were supposed to be my friends, by the way!) has placed an unscrupulous order for various choice cuts of me! Cuts like, my ham-hocks, pork butt roast, fat back, baby-back ribs, and my trotters! Also, a little birdie told me that someone is planning to harvest me for collagen for anti-wrinkle creams!!! I know that a few of you have been begging for a 'piece of me' but this is utterly ridiculous!!! I simply refuse to co-operate with this, and you are going to have to catch me, tie me down, gag me, and knock me senseless if you think you are going to have any success at this, and when I do not want to be caught, I will NOT be caught!!! And I DON'T want to be caught, so TOUGH BENUCHEES SISTER!!!

So, for your own good, I have placed a CAVEAT in this blog as well, similar to the one I placed of facebook. And I state: "I am NOT for consumption! You are all to refrain from any attempts to culinate me in ANY way, shape or form! Any violation of this caveat, will result in the following actions in this order. You will be declawed, bikini-waxed, neutered, pulverized and then dissolved! ALL companies formed with the intent of cooking, eating or selling ANY part/s of me MUST cease and desist immediately, or you WILL be reported to your mommies and be given thorough spankings!!!"

So, having stated that, I shall continue to go to the gym, and get my ham-hocks to become so tough and rubbery, even more so than before, and if this continues, I will threaten to do something else horrible! I will stop moisturizing!!! So they will be dry and tasteless as well! So there!!!

MOI

A Poem!

I AM GOING TO ‘SPANK’ YOU!

OOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty
NAUGHTY LITTLE MINX YOU!!!!

If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times!
LEAVE IT ALONE! But you do not listen.
See what happens when you poke your nose
Where it does not belong?
Now I am going to have to ‘SPANK’ you!

After all the work we have done together,
You would ruin this marvellous creation,
All because you just could not contain yourself?
Now I am going to have to ‘SPANK’ you!

I begged, pleaded, threatened, even BRIBED you!
I even wrote you little sticky-notes
Encouraging you along the way
And now, we are back to square one!
You have given me no choice!
Now I am going to have to ‘SPANK’ you!

What a waste!
After the countless spools of thread!
The many knots, needles, fish-line,
Velcro fasteners, and even DUCT TAPE!!!
The many times I have had to truss you up
Like Sunday dinner just to get it right!
Well, I have had it!
Now I am going to have to ‘SPANK’ you!

All it took was one!
And that one led to two, then three,
Then...I am sure you’ve lost count by now!
The only thing I have left to say is:

“Honey, you need to find someone else
To alter that dress, cuz I’m out.
You’re out of time and up against a wall!!”

Thank the heavens for a good pair of SPANKS!
So you see, I did have to ‘SPANK’ you after all!

Written by Paul Williamson
2010 January 25

Malfunctioning UMBRELLA!!!!

So yesterday, I donned by flying suit, unfurled my newly starched cape, and opened my umbrella in order to take to the skies and make the journey back to Jamaica to see my family for Christmas. On the way, I kept thinking of what I was going to cook for Christmas dinner, seeing that I am again declining to offer myself as the main course!

I caught my connecting umbrella to Jamaica around 7:00PM. I got onboard and settled in for the flight. We left late due to luggage issues. While in flight, we had turbulence almost the entire way! During the flight, I heard God say to me that something going to happen but that I was going to be alright. So I began to pray. Not in a panic, just...pray. As the umbrella began to make its final approach, I noticed that we were still too high in the air for the actually landing. I expected the pilots to abort and try again. Oh yes. And it was raining cat, dogs, and chickens as well!!! As soon as we touched down, I knew that we would have had to overfly and make a second attempt, but the pilots tried instead to slow down, but it was too late. The umbrella overshot the runway and landed on the rocks by the shore of the Caribbean Sea.

The umbrella quickly filled up with gas fumes, but I was able to make a hasty exit, and was able to help others as well. So other than that quail's egg on my head, I am still alive and kicking, and grateful to God to be alive and kicking! Actually, I did a mini can-can routine this morning! However in the process, I stained my flying suit, and ripped my cape to shreds!!! Adn the umbrella! Well, let's just say we will have to be getting a new one, preferably one that is not nearly as cheeky and does not talk back.

I will have more to share later, but right now, I need a nap. So have a Jolly Christmas and a desperately FAB new year, and I look forward to seeing you back in T.O. when I get BACH!!!

MOI

Meet the two new MEMBERS of my Household!

Just the other day, I had the painful task of watching my good old faithful Hortence (toaster) die a slow, agonizing death! With every labour-intensive rasping breath, she sparked and sputtered to produce warm toast, fit for butter and jam. And finally, the day came when she looked at me, with crumbs in her tray, she reached out her plug to me, and muttered the last words of the ghost of Hamlet Sr. to his son in life, Hamlet, "Remember me!" And then, she died!

After a period or wearing the black dress, heels and veil, and the moments of grieving, I decided that it was time (*gasp*) to move on. So after doing research online, I zwiddled desperately (hamhocks-a-blur) to Canadian Tyre where I found another who I deemed to be worthy of replacing my former friend. And while I was at it, I came across another interesting individual which I also needed to get, and fetched him at a good price at the store next door.

So now, I would like to introduce the two new members of my kitchen family! Meet GLADYS, the four-slotted stainless steel Brevetti toaster, and MILTON, the Peugeot wooden pepper mill!!! And now, I know you are all dying to know, so I will tell you about them.

Let's start with Gladys! Now Gladys is a strong-willed, temperamental-type of toaster who, when she thinks I am not watching, tends to have moments of emotional outbursts. From time to time, she flings herself on the counter with her lever on your forehead (yes, toasters have foreheads!) lamenting about never being able to see her home country of Italy again. Well actually, she was made in China, but somehow, she did not get that memo. Since moving in, she has threatened Bunny, the blender, called Beatrice, the dishwasher fat, and put two vendetta hits out on Winston, the stove. Things have gotten so intense that I have had to take the precaution of plugging her OUT at night, so that she does not try to take over the world while sleeping. I am just waiting for her to calm down and settle in to being a toaster before I give her any added responsibilities.

Milton, however, is the total antithesis of Gladys. He is a lover, not a fighter. As a typical French-mill, he has wasted no time in trying to seduce the bottle of olive oil next to him. Berta (the bottle of olive oil) has been complaining that he is always trying to get all up in her "bottle" (which I think any way you look at it is just totally KINKY), and she is not impressed. He somehow managed to sneak his ukulele into the cupboard and plays it all night long while singing to the bottle of red wine in the corner. Little does he know that her name is Carmen, and she is a gypsy who eat pepper-mills for breakfast!!!

So there you have it. I am sure that with time, these two new upstarts will fit in and become fully assimilated. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go put out a small argument between Prudence and Gladys. They do NOT get along!!!

Moi

Shakespeare's Hamhock Soliloquy!!!

Now I know what you are all thinking! Shakespeare was the author of the play 'Hamlet'. He did not in fact write an alternate play called 'Hamhock', but I am not for a moment going to let that stand in my way!

Our cast of characters includes:

King Klondike, the despotically desperate!
Queen Girdle, the lush.
Prince Hamhock, the succulent!
Lord Layeggs the confused?
Lord Pollutants, the dirty.
Lord Horrendous, the kinky!
And the good Lady Opheliac the fifty-first!

Note: She is named thusly due tot he fact that she is one card short of a full deck.

So, in the spirit of things, I decided to do some chiselling in manners undetectible and give you the alternative version called the Hamhock Soliloquy! Enjoy!

TO WHISK, OR NOT TO WHISK! That is the custard:

Whether tis nobler in the bowl, to suffer the breads and butters of outrageous waistlines, or to take anice against a tub of lard, and by broasting, eat them.

To brine, to sip, no more, and in a sip, to say we end this heartburn, and the thousand natural farts that flesh is 'air' to. Tis a consumme devoutly to be dished...

To diet, to whip, to whip, perchance to drip, ay, there's the blubber! For in that [Hershey's] kiss of blend what teas may come, when we have shriveled into an olive oil, must give us cramps; there's the preheat that make calamari of so long lime, for who would bear the creams and corns of time: The winepresser's rum, the proud lamb's compote, the pancakes of despised plum, the ham's decay, the innocence of allspice, and the burns that paste of the tomato of the inedible takes when he himself might his custards make with a clear brandy?

Who would fennel bear, to roll and knead under a weary hearth, but that the dread of dinner without beer!

The unsanitized counter, from whose bread no foodie devours fizzes the drink and makes us rather drink those salts we have than to fry to those we know not of? Thus corn chips doth make calories of us all, and thus the native rue of refried beans in sicklied oer with the kale pasta raw, and pepto bismols of great pots of hominy, with this regard, their currants turn awry, and chew the fat of bacon!

**GOBBLE, GOBBLE!!!**

Yep! That time of year is here again! It is that strange, addictive time when Canadians everywhere develop an insatiable tendency to gorge themselves on poultry, pork, or anything that could be percieved as edible!! It is also this same time of year that I don the camoflage and go underground, into hiding!

As I sprang gleefully out of bed this morning, desperately zwiddling about hither and thither (hamhocks-a-blur!), I stopped in my tracks and realized that that time of the year is almost here, and in my mailbox, I have been receiving all sorts of recipes for PORK!!! EEEEEEEEEK!!!!! I am still convinced that it is a conspiracy; that there are still people out there fantasizing about what I look and smell like in their ovens or rotisserie grills, basting in my own juices! So, to save time, I take every precaution at this time of year to stay AWAY from any heat sources, and constantly look behind me to see if there is anyone trying to season me without my knowledge or permission!

As I struttled to the gym, I noticed one of two things. Either I was hallucinating, or there were people actually looking at me rather longingly and licking their chops as my rumproast passed by them. I remember what happened last year, when I attended a dinner, and the person next to me kept testing my tenderness by constantly pinching me! So I know that this is not all in my head, as you might think.

So now, in preparation for this season of bliss and good eats for some, and traumatic events for me and several other high protein sources, I shall take every precaution to make sure that I make it through this unscathed, so that I can continue my blogs to my faithful foodies...er...I mean, readers!!!

Moi

Queen Street West

Today, as I was flubbling mercilessly west on Queen Street, and while I was in mid-zwiddle, two things hit me! The first was how artistic this neck of the woods was, and also, how old I am getting!

I remember that there was a time when the only forms of communication were either by rotary phone (dark ages), talking, and letter writing. I even remember when I sent my first electronic letter (as it was called back them), and then, my first e-mail. I was already an adult!!! But we are not here to discuss my age...I digress.

Queen Street West is filled to bursting with those of the artistic persuasion. The people here range from wanting to express themselves loudly for the whole world to see (like skinny jeans and goth make-up and leather-bound drag queens) to those would are very "innig" with their emotions and stir up all their subconsciousnesses with a stick! I thought I had seen it all, but no fear! Was I in for a rude awakening today! As I hurridly blithered hither and thither going west, there were those that were selling their wares, which included things like artwork, themselves, or showing off a particular skill. I lost count of how many adam's apples I saw, and their bearers had absolutely NO SPLIT ENDS at all in their hair.

Eventually, I climbed into a street car and had the desperate misfortune of having a man who was drunk out of his mind sit behind me and tell me how much he hates Jamaicans, and anyone who is not white and English-speaking. Then there was the lady who was so miserable and scared of missing her stop. Personally, I think she was constipated!

Gone are the days when people used to stop to talk on the street corners. Nowadays, they will knock you out fo the way if you tried that. One has to practically DIE to get attention! And that reminds me...EVERYBODY from the cradle to the grave and all and sundry in betwixt has a cellphone as an appendage!!!! They just cannot function without it!

As I arrived at my destination, I felt like I was ready to kiss the ground and squeal in glee, "LAAAAAAAND!". I was so relieved to be there, and inside, and safe. I met up with a dear friend for her birthday, along with some mutual friends and collegues.

After the festivity was over, I skipped daintily unto a streetcar and headed to the subway. Just as I thought I has seen enough weirdness for one day, another anomaly pops up! There was a guy on the subway, dressed in a PINK minidress, in pink pepto-bismol piggies, hosery, and a pair of fairywings on it's back! I saw that and was struck by a sudden case of indigestion!

But now, I am home and safe. I just have to check under the bed for boogy monsters before going to sleep.

MOI