Within the past fortnight, I have been wondering certain things. One of those things I have been wondering is what life would be like for me if I was a shoe, or rather a pair of shoes. Now this conversation, I can see, would cause the person on the other end to develop a sudden severe case of constipation, or they may all of a sudden be endowed with the urge to watch paint dry, or to plant themselves in a garden watching little things grow, but this has stirred up some interesting thoughts, and of course, due to my generous nature, I am going to share them with you!
Being a pair of shoes would provide an interesting perspective on life. First, one would get to see everything at ground level. I do not think it would be so bad because then, I get to see what other shoes have to endure from the people wearing them. I'd hope that my owner would have well-kept feet though. I cannot imagine what it would be like if my owners had feet riddled with athlete's foot, or bunions, or anything of the sort. But I digress. Getting to see life at ground level is very educational, because there is a lot that goes on south of our borders than we realize, and I'd get a front row seat to see who the secret snackers, and the perverts are, and knowing that being down there, I can be at the ready to give a swift kick to someone being naughty, or attempting to get fresh!
One gets to GO places! And in going there, I'd get to meet other shoes and find out their stories. If shoes could talk, they'd have a lot to say, and in my little world, they do! So then, I'd get to conspire with other shoes to go on a mutiny and leave our respective masters, and see the world, ON OUR OWN TIME!!! Have you ever noticed that when you are looking for one or a pair of shoes that seem to be missing for some reason, and you've heard it said many times, "well, they did not just get up and walk away, did they?"? Well (*baritone chuckle*), I guess I will leave it at that.
As a pair of shoes, I do not have to bother myself with such boring details as explaining myself to anyone. The main reason for that is that I always have a foot in my mouth, literally! The only thing that I'd have an aversion to are DOGS! Cats I do not mind at all because all they can do to you is to rub themselves in and out of you, and drool all over you, especially when your master has a particularly ripe and well-aged pair of feet! Dogs on the other hand have a tendency to drag you all over the house, and outside and every which way, and chew you to bits! Maybe I was a pair of shoes in another lifetime (even though I do not believe in past life stuff). That would explain my particular resistance to being chewed, eaten, or in any other way masticated!!
And finally, no one would accuse me of being crazy. Shoes just, supposedly, sit there. Or so we'd love you to keep thinking! I'd sit there literally beside myself in glee at the myriad ways I could drive my master out of his tree. For instance, when put in the cupboard or shoe closet, or by the door, most likely, I'd be put in line with myself, laces tucked in, and neatly stowed. Assuming that my master is a desperate neat freak, I can easily pigeon-toe myself, just to drive him batty. Another way is, once cleaned and spit-shined, I could find a nice puddle outside to undo all that hard work in one fell swoop! That of course would start a chain of events, like, send my master into a mental tailspin, especially seeing that he lives alone, and is obsessed with being neat ALL the time! It'd be TOO easy! And then, when he goes for therapy, he'll blame me, the shoes, and then, they'd never let him walk out. They'd carry him out, all trussed up in a nice white belted suit and taken somewhere to be sanitized, while I'd be free to roam about and continue to see the world!
Oh this is TOO much fun!!!
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