How to 'spot' a Jamaican

This was written by a Jamaican, and I just HAD to post it! Enjoy!

How to spot a Jamaican



It seems clear to me that Jamaicans are such a distinctive breed that one
should be able to spot them anywhere. Though we may resemble other persons
of African descent, Jamaicans (Jamaicanus Cantankerous is the Latin name for
the species) are easy to pick out if you know what to look for. But if you
have a particular interest in Jamaicans and are finding it difficult to spot
them outside of their "natural habitat" ( Jamaica ) here are a few pointers
for spotting Jamaicans in the "wild".
The first thing to do is to look for the obvious clues. If you're on a New
York subway going out for a late-evening drink, it should be obvious that
the Jamaican in the crowd is the young lady with the low cut blouse who has
covered her entire chest, from cleavage to neck, with baby powder.
And if you're on a street in Brixton and spot a lad strolling confidently
down the street in a knee-length, red, green and gold mesh marina, with
nothing but his scrawny, bare chest under it, then this gentleman is quite
likely a Jamaican. Similarly, if you spot a man, anywhere in the world, with
a white rag wrapped up and stuffed into his back pocket (where a person of
any other nationality would have placed a handkerchief) then this person is
a Jamaican. No question.
But these are the obvious physical clues. To conclusively identify a
Jamaican one needs to be acquainted with the more common behavioral traits
of the species.
But before we discuss these behavioral traits, a few words of advice. If you
are going "Jamaican-spotting" please do so from a distance. Jamaicans do not
like being followed or being stared at. Please also note that you risk a
violent confrontation if you approach a Jamaican suddenly. We don't like
being surprised. As far as we are concerned, only a duppy or a gunman would
approach an innocent person without warning. Finally, we would be grateful
if you avoid sharing these tips on Jamaican-spotting with members of the
FBI, DEA or US Customs/Immigration. Jamaicans living abroad have enough
problems as it is.
Now we can return to our discussion of those peculiar habits and behaviors
that set Jamaicans apart.
If you spot an elderly lady at the Airport check-in counter in Cayman, with
a suitcase the size of a fridge, which she has just "discovered" is 40
pounds overweight, then it's possible that this lady is Jamaican. If she
opens the suitcase to reveal large quantities of cornflakes, cooking oil and
flour then she is most likely a Jamaican. If she tries to persuade you to
carry her excess baggage to Jamaica in your luggage then she is definitely
Jamaican.

If you're sitting in a pub in London a few weeks before Christmas and you
spot a middle-aged gentleman standing in front of a television camera
sending "greetings" to Aunt Maude and Uncle Ferdie in Chalky Hill, then the
good gentleman is doubtlessly a Jamaican. Please buy him a white rum when
he's through.

Another easy way to identify a Jamaican is to observe persons when they are
angry. (Now, let's be clear here. We suggest you watch them when they are
angry. We don't suggest that you make them angry.) A Jamaican, when
angered, will invariably launch into an extended verbal tirade. Such tirades
have been known to last for as long as 45 minutes, during which time the
Jamaican will not pause to take a breath, will not let you respond and every
other word will end with "claat". (There are approximately 317 versions of
"claat" so don't be surprised if he never repeats himself even once). This
outburst may also be accompanied by frequent beating of the chest, "lapping
of the frocktail" and frequent requests that onlookers "hol' mi back before
mi do 'im supm". (i.e. "Restrain me before I do some serious bodily harm")
Please also note that it is not unknown for Jamaicans, when irate, to resort
to violence. So, as fascinating as it may be to watch, we don't suggest that
you stay to observe the outburst. Having established that your subject is
Jamaican we suggest that you leave the scene with as much haste as you can
possibly manage. Collateral damage is not an uncommon occurrence when a
Jamaican "kick-off" with somebody.

Another approach to Jamaican-spotting is to observe the habitat of the
individual you suspect to be Jamaican. If you are lucky enough to gain
access to the home of a Jamaican (known as his "ends" or "yaad") you may
find that the furniture (five years after it was purchased) is still covered
in plastic. Similarly, the carpet on the floor may be covered by plastic
walkways and there may well be a cabinet or "break-front" filled with enough
cheap crystal, bric-a-brac and china to completely outfit a duty-free store
in Montego Bay . If this is the case, you could very well be standing in the
dwelling of a bona fide Jamaican. Congratulations.
But how can we be sure that this is the home of a real Jamaican? If you
notice that the home has a backyard the size of a welcome mat, despite
which, every inch of same has been planted with callaloo, yam, banana and
gungo peas then this could be the home of a Jamaican. It might be noted that
an authentic Jamaican, being of a naturally hospitable and friendly
disposition, will very likely invite any visitor to his home to stay for
dinner so that he can taste the produce of the "farm". That visitor should
make very sure his stomach is empty. His Jamaican host will ply him with
large quantities of rice and peas, fricasseed chicken, and boiled ground
provisions and will deeply offended if his guest doesn't eat every morsel
thereof. That guest need not be ashamed to ask for seconds. For a Jamaican
this is just proof of the quality of the meal and will certainly bring a
smile to his face. On the departure of the guest, you may notice that his
host will insist that he take a little callaloo, a few pounds of yam and a
hand of bananas with him. If you observe this happening, then you have
definitely found the genuine article - a "real-real" Jamaican.

As you continue to observe your Jamaican you will discover other traits.
Jamaicans are the kind of people who, after living in a foreign country for
only three weeks, can tell you exactly where to buy a tin of Milo , a bottle
of Grace Tomato ketchup and a good draw of weed; all within three blocks of
the spot on which you are standing.
That same fellow will live in "farin" for the next 60 years and, having
reached the age of 92 and having raised his children and grandchildren
there, will tell you with absolute sincerity that he is going back home
"next year". And when he gets home he plans to retire to a little cottage in
Clarendon in the backyard of which he plans to grow. You guessed it.
callaloo, yam, banana and gungo peas.